Step 1 – Buy a mug: You will need a mug to drink out of. To do this you will need to go out and buy one, and no, you can’t just use the Washing Up powder dispenser or a glass.
Step 2 – Buy a kettle: You will need a kettle to boil the water. So once again go and buy one instead of borrowing one from the dodgy looking bloke living next door.
Step 3 – Buy some tea bags: You should be getting the big picture now, go out and buy some tea bags.
Step 4 – Boil the water: Using the tap, pour water into your kettle and heat it up. When the water is bubbling, it is ready; if unsure, stick your finger in it, if you shout “OW”, it’s ready.
Step 5 – Optional: If you stuck your finger in and shouted “OW”; pick up the phone and dial in the following numbers:
- 9, 9, 9,
And ask for an ambulance.
Step 6 – Put a tea bag in your mug: Get a teabag from your new supply, place it in your mug, stand back and impress your friends.
Step 7 – Add the water: Add the water from the kettle making sure it is as hot as when you added the personal touch from step 4 to your mug and tea bag.
Step 8 – Mix the ingredients: Using a spoon, mix the tea and water until it goes brown. If you don’t have a spoon, you can use your finger again like in Step 4 in which case you may want to repeat Step 5. Alternatively, you can just repeat Steps 1, 2 or 3 with a spoon as the subject. What do you mean you can’t remember Steps 1, 2 or 3? Have you not been paying attention?
Step 9 – Add some milk: Take some milk from the fridge and add it to your mug. What do you mean you don’t have any milk? well in that case……….
Step 10 – Buy some milk: Follow steps 1, 2 or 3 again, this time with milk (and maybe sugar if you want some) and then repeat Step 9, seriously the people I have to work with.
Step 11 – Stir again: Stir the mixture once again.
Step 12 – Remove the tea bag: Remove the tea bag from the mug, stand back and impress your friends once again.
Step 13 – Take a drink: Grab the mug handle, raise your little finger and take a sip.
If you have done everything it should taste great, if not, then it is obvious that you have not been paying attention. If all this fails, there are 2 other ways to make a cup of tea.
- Go to Starbucks like you’ve been doing for the last 3 years, or failing that……….
- Stand up in the middle of the room and shout to the top of your voice the following sentence: “WHAT HAVE I GOT TO DO TO GET A CUP OF TEA ROUND HERE”.